EMOTIONAL ABUSE:

Stormy seas engulf my heart
I tremble in such fear
I hear the words he spits at me
and wish I wasn't here ~
The painful stabs of disrespect
tear within my soul
Using words he unleashes
an ultimate control.

Angry eyes that glare at me
with contempt and hate
Niggling at me with the words
that belittle and berate ~
A powerplay of hurtful words
with the ability
To bring such shame into a heart
that now feels so guilty.

Finding fault in everything
I either do or say
From how I drive to how I look
to how I use my days ~
A barrage of such criticism
coming from the lips
Now only taste of heartache
in the place of happiness.

Offensive language, disrespect,
calling me such names
Lazy, stupid, whore or bitch
it only brings more pain ~
What do you hope to achieve
with such derogatory?
That you feel you must attack
to show my deficiency.

Intimidation is power
remind me that I'm weak
Yell and scream, shout and curse,
as I turn the other cheek ~
Feel your superiority
while I tremble with fear,
Refresh my memory with the words
you hiss into my ear.

A voice that's dripped with sarcasm
condemns my point of view
Veiled with the hurtful words,
you don't want to know the truth ~
It never matters what I think,
what I feel or say,
It's not important to the views
that you wish to convey.

And if I don't agree, then what,
time to shift the blame
Remind me just who's in control
and who can inflict more pain ~
A subtle threat I'll never win
if I choose to play,
But this is not a game to me,
does it matter what I say?

Yep, that's right, just put me down
like you always have before
When you feel threatened you corner me
and then make me feel small ~
Does it so empower you
to belittle me?
Always reminding me of my worth
and my growing deficiencies.

I wish I could just talk to you
and tell you how I feel
But would it make a difference then
or would you hurt me still?
I wish I had the courage to
stand upon my feet
And not take the pain you inflict
every day on me.

Constructive criticism,
at least that's what you say
Shifting the blame to my court
so your guilt's not in the way ~
But you don't have to raise a hand
when you abuse me,
For your words they hurt enough
and last eternally.

FUCK TITLES.

So my intention was to try to blog every day, and apparently that has not happened. I have not even gotten the chance to write once since I posted my Starter Post. I have been having problems with internet connection. So unfortunately, even though I have wanted to write some posts, I have not been able to. A lot has been going on in my life. I guess you would say that I just have been having a lot of battles within myself lately. It's mainly the little things that cause me to worry or overreact, or things that I should not even be thinking about. I know everyone strives to find true happiness, but what is happiness really? No one is ever really happy with their life, because we as humans will never be fully satisfied with how things are going. You could have everything you have ever wanted, and although it may keep you happy for a good amount of time, after awhile you will always find something that could be better. That is something that has really bothered me lately. People continuously tell me that I'm not happy or I should be doing things differently. And, although some of the things that they tell me may be true, should you really listen to what other people tell you when you are the one that should know what is best for yourself? No, you should not. You can listen to their opinion, just actually letting them impact the decisions you make and the way you live your life is just conformity. I may not be the perfect person to be talking about conformity, considering that I used to live my life on the judgement and reactions of everyone's opinion of me. I guess I just came to realize that everyone is going to judge and there are always those people that will criticize you, and if you let them impact the way you live your life, your never going to be complete. There are always gonna be people's standards that you will not meet, or ever come close to. It is just in your best interest to not let what people say bother you or change you. You will never be content in life if you are always changing to meet other people's standards. You have to learn to ignore the bad things people say, and focus on you and be the best that you can be. If you do not live for yourself, who is? No one else can control your life unless you let them. I seem to have a hard time gripping that concept. It's like I know that it is true, and I understand it, I am just easily manipulated. It's like when something is happening right in front of you, and you see how bad it really is when you take a step back...yet fall back into the same daily routine because it is habit. I have been doing a lot of reading on behavior analysis lately, because it interest me how some people's minds work. I am thinking about trying to pursue some career in psychology, because it fascinates me. Today was not a very long or personal rant of randomness, which I was expecting it to be. I will most likely try to post again either later today or tomorrow. <3 

STARTER BLOG

Alright, well I am new to this whole blogging thing, but I have a lot of random thoughts and ramble on about lots of things I figured this would be a decent way for me to get some of what I think about off my chest. :) I guess I shall start by telling a little bit about my self. My name is Jessica. I am far from your typical average girl. I have been through a lot more than most people my age have. I am a high school drop out, but don't let that fool you. I am smarter than most people, and my book smarts are much more than the standard college student. I wear my emotions on my sleeve, which tends to get me into some real shit sometime. I cuss like a sailor. The things I say on a daily basis are not the things that should come out of someone who seems as sweet and innocent as I do. Chances are you probably know me, I know entirely too many people. I am everyone's friend. I don't even know half the people that consider themselves my friends. I consider about 98% of the people I know as just acquaintances. Some people say I come off as snobby, which is not so. I am not the type of person who come up to you in a store and chat with you if I see you; yet, little do you know I would gladly talk to you if you came up to me and said "hello". I am the person who always gives advice to everyone. Everyone I know has asked me for my opinion on things or advice at some time or another. I like helping people with their problems. I want to make a career out of some form of psychology degree, but then I would rather help people just for the hell of it. I enjoy the feeling I get when someone genuinely thanks me for the advice or helping through problems. It is one of the greatest feeling I have ever experienced. Well, I have things to do today. Hopefully this is a decent enough first blog that will catch the attention of someone. I hope to blog every day or maybe even multiple times a day. <3 I would love to have a blog that genuinely interests people to follow and read. So let me know what interest you, or what you would like to hear my opinions or advice on. 

<3 Jessica